it has been two years, and dear God, this feelings can't seem to know how much time passed by.

teach me how to move on, when all i ever do is looking back, all i ever want is to be with him again.

i've lost counts on how many nights i lay in bed thinking about you, how much i missed you and how i wish i could turn things around.

which i can't, obviously.

that thing called love

i've been in love once. the day i find out that i love him, that's when i know, i will never love someone as much as i love him. he made me feel so happy, he made me love being myself. but at some point, things drift off and he wasn't the person i thought he were.
as we drift apart, and time pass me by, i realize that he's just a human. human make mistakes. that's our nature. that's when i realized all his efforts to make things better, but i was blinded by his mistakes and i forgot how much he made me happy, so i pushed him away. and something happened, he got an amnesia, and he's forgotten all about me. not even my nickname.
it's almost a year since he told me about it, but i have to admit, that there's still somewhere deep down in my heart, that my feelings for him is still there. and i know this is absurd, but yeah.
im more in love with our memories than the person he is now, which i barely even know since we haven't talk for months, so i guess, it's time to move on.
i know i get very lonely sometimes, and remembering him makes me feel less alone, makes me feel, there was someone who made me feel complete, and i'm just in love with the guy who's in my past. not the present.
i've got tons of advices and so far, every time i feel sucks, i hold on to one advice. it was from someone who happens to appear when i drift off from my first love. he makes me feel that it is possible to fall for someone else after my first love. but he's like the wind. he come, brushes my hair softly, makes me cold for awhile, and he goes.

Before you fall in love with me

you must know that I’ve been broken into a million pieces. A boy came into my life, we talked, we liked each other, we fell in love, I felt so happy, and then he left. No goodbyes, no explanations. He took a piece of me that I cannot take back. So please, understand that I’m still healing even if it’s been over a year. I’m not the type of person who forgets easily. When I love, I love deeply. I need you to show me that you’re not going hurt me the way he did. Because my heart cannot handle another heartbreak.

Since you came into my life, my world became brighter. I started listening to love songs more than the heartbroken ones. You listened to things I’ve never told anyone. Talking to you makes my day. But there are moments when those dark memories decide to creep into my mind. and I feel scared all over again. I’m sorry if I’m difficult to deal with.

But I promise you one thing. Once all my walls have been taken down by your love.. by the way you show that you care.. by showing that I can trust you.. I will give all of my heart to you. I will love you more than anyone has ever loved you. And I will let you know everyday. So please, give me some time. I hope you understand.

credits; remembertosmileyou

a plate

i was doing my chores this morning, when i'm arranging the cups, putting it back to its place, when suddenly, prangg ! one plate fell down from its place and shattered to pieces. i was shocked. and i don't know why, suddenly it just hit me. the plate was on it place, sitting there peacefully, and not long after that, it breaks, and thrown away to the garbage. as if it were never useful before. as if its presence means nothing when it was still in a good condition. and no one cares about the broken plate. not even my mum. it reflects me of death. what if one day, when i die, people just bury me and then forget everything about me not long after that ? as if my presence means nothing in anybody's life. maybe i'm overthinking, yes. but honestly, sometimes, i feel like i meant nothing in anybody's life. like, my presence and absence are just.. nothing.

personal

i admit that sometimes, i fall for someone a little bit too fast. sometimes i like someone just because he is nice to me ( i guess that is perfectly normal ) .

honestly, i forgot how it feels like to fell for someone, to feel happy with just seeing his name on my phone.

and recently, i found that someone. someone who made me happy, someone who help me go through my shitty days. someone who made me laugh.

somewhere deep inside, i hope he'll stay, for a long time. although somehow i think i know, that this is just gonna be for a little while.

...

my dear God, i think this is, for the first time in my life, that i did not sleep just to finish my assignment. literally did not sleep ever since i woke up this morning. and now is 4.06 A.M.

in an hour, i've to sahur, subuh, rest for a little while and then i have to meet my lecturers for them to check our work, before i can finally go home for the first time in this fasting month.

can die if everyday liddis wei

wallls

somewhere, deep down my heart, i know i was ready to accept someone new in my life,

but deep down, i'm scared to open my heart once more. i'm afraid to fall for the wrong person again.

somehow, i just don't think i'm strong enough to endure the pain of not being appreciated.

because i still remember, how broken i was, the day i realized that everything i did wasn't appreciated.

maybe i'm wiser now, since that incident taught me so much.

nonetheless, i am trying. trying to open my heart, slowly, brick by brick.